Fifty Percent of All Marriages End in Disaster
by girly tomboy
Summary: They say a woman's fidelity is measured by the size of her mouth as she gobbles up sukonbu ice cream whilst simultaneously spitting consistently witty snark. Or maybe that just applies to Kagura.


I'm not dead I swear.

* * *

Fifty Percent of All Marriages End in Disaster

* * *

Kagura held her breath when she heard the muffled sound of wedding bells and the all-too-familiar yet never-had-she-thought- _ever_ -would-someday-be-meant-for-her Wedding March, signaling the entrance of the bride and wife-to-be. Her already tense nerves were starting to get the best of her, and the practically fifty pound dress she was insane enough at the time to pick out wasn't helping either (not to mention the sweltering heat was starting to affect her seven layers of makeup).

 _'Deal with it, Kagura. Soon enough you'll be married to the love of your life, and you can finally sue Gin-chan for the illegal coercion of forcing an under-aged immigrant girl to work without sufficient pay._ _And don't forget_ _his smelly feet, putrid morning breath, and his smelly feet. Not to mention his smelly feet.'_

"Kagura, you just thought something completely outrageous didn't you," Gintoki huffed from his position at her right side. "My Gin-chan senses were tingling. How dare you make light of the strife and pain your precious Papa Gin-chan has gone through to raise your spoiled ass. Who do you think paid for your food?!"

"All I had was egg over rice."

"And your clothes?!"

"I had five pairs of the same dress."

"And went through all the trouble of buying that damn laxative when you were constipated and refused to-"

"That was you." Kagura rolled her eyes. As much as she loved her surrogate father, and as much as she knew Gintoki was only trying to stifle his tears (though a traitorous drop did leak from the corner of his eye), surely their conversation would have taken up at least ten minutes by the time they finished.

"Anime time or not, we're wasting precious minutes here, Gin-chan. Stop sniffling and just lead me down the aisle. Did your balls disappear with your pride when your precious Kagura was taken away from you?"

Gin pinched her cheek, and received a sharp protest on Kagura's part. "Fine, I don't need you anyways, brat. Get married, whatever. Gin-chan won't support you! Next thing you know, you'll be popping out fat little babies and growing gray hairs and regretting your marriage 'cause you'll be-"

"You'll miss me, won't you?"

"... Maybe a little."

Whatever sentimental moment that had overcome them was ruined and tossed into the nonexistent wind when Otae, whom Kagura had designated to be the wedding planner, came rushing at them and planted a perfect kick to the back of Gintoki's head.

"What the hell are you doing, you lousy excuse of a father?! Kagura-chan, don't let this old man drag you down, m'kay? You guys are late, what the hell are you doing?" She gestured toward the large mahogany doors, which were _supposed_ to be opened and the bride was _supposed_ to be halfway down the aisle. But they weren't. And that was a problem.

"Gin-san, you know fully well that this is Kagura-chan's big day, right? So you won't be causing any trouble, right? So I won't have to murder your ass and put all the blame on you, right?" She cracked her knuckles. Never before had Kagura seen her surrogate father shoot up so fast, with the exceptions of Ketsuno Ana, strawberry parfaits, and threats of getting stabbed in the ass, of course.

"Haha! Haha... HAHA! Of course not! Right, Kagura-chan?! Let's go, we're late aren't we? You know what they say- miss out on life, and you'll miss out on great sex."

"No one ever says that."

"Well, considering it's you we're talking about-"

"Just go." Otae pushed them forward, and the idiotic duo were stumbling down the long expanse of carpet. The guests simultaneously turned their heads, gasps and whispers immediately filling the previously quiescent atmosphere-

Half of it stemmed from Gintoki having just stepped on Kagura's dress.

 _'Oops,'_ Otae thought. _'Maybe_ _I pushed_ _a little too hard?'_

She watched as the bride and her escort did that subtle bickering thing as they linked arms the entire way. "Like father like daughter," she muttered under her breath, before mentally patting herself on the back.

"You did good, Otae. You did good," the hostess-turned-wedding-planner sighed to herself. She procured a bottle of Dom Perignon from the folds of her dress, taking a swig at it. And then promptly made her way to the exit.

 _'Hopefully, I'll be too drunk to feel guilty about the cardboard wedding cake_ _and_ _the plastic rings spray-painted gold_ _.'_

Back at the altar, Kagura was trying to discreetly yank her arm away from Gintoki's, irritation lining her face. On the opposite hand, there were tears welling in her surrogate father's face- the poor man looked like he was about to emotionally collapse.

"Oi, Gin-chan!" Kagura half yelled half whispered. "Let go of my arm! People are staring, how do you think I'll explain this to my future children?!"

"B-B-B-But-" Sniffle. "My p-precious daughter! All grown up and m-m-married!" Wheeze.

She delivered a swift kick to Gintoki's face and conveniently sent him flying to his seat in the front row. The nearby guests ignored the unconscious ex-samurai and the blood dripping down his head in lieu of the ongoing procession.

The priest cleared his throat.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this company, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy Matrimony-"

"Kagura," the vermilion-haired woman looked up at the mention of her name. "Kagura. _Kagura_." Such endearment in his voice definitely did not go by unnoticed, for even the tough and brazen Kagura felt her eyes mist over and warmth fill her insides. The slightly offended priest was ignored.

"Kagura, I love you."

A litany of 'awws' echoed throughout the wedding hall, yet she paid them no attention.

"... I-I-"

"I love you _so_ much, Kagura. I want you to know that whatever happens, I will always love you. Forever and ever."

This time the waterworks really did come, and Kagura didn't even try to stop them as tears flowed freely down her cheeks, make-up be damned. Left speechless, it took her a moment to collect her thoughts and even longer to reply to one of the undoubtedly sweetest and heartfelt words her husband-to-be has ever said to her.

"Kagura, I love you." She sniffled.

"I love you too, Sukonbu."

Sukonbu smiled, his green complexion lighting up brighter than any other sukonbu she's had the pleasure of sucking. They nodded at each other and held hands, every part the lovesick couple blinded by the initial purity and mirth of binding their souls together in what could possibly be a regrettable, faithless contract.

"Oi, loser. Skip the vows, I just wanna kiss and eat cake already." Kagura glared at the priest. He swallowed hard and was tempted to decline, only to reflect upon his life decisions for the brief moment that he played on the notion. The conclusion he reached: definitely not worth it.

"You may kiss. Okay, goodbye now." The priest closed his book, put on his sunglasses, and made his way to the door.

"Bye-bye, Madao! I'll give you some breadcrumbs tomorrow!"

And with that, cheers echoed throughout as Kagura's mouth opened wide to reveal her pearly whites and descended upon Sukonbu to eat him, for it was written in The Book of Kagura that any sukonbu to have captured such a beautiful maiden's heart must abide by the first and utmost important law, that they shall be joined as one.

Literally.

Thus, Kagura lived happily ever after. The end.

* * *

Sougo awoke with a jolt. Lately these days it seemed even his precious nap wasn't a good enough blockade against the absolutely sweltering heat, seeing as he had awoken with his uniform drenched in sweat even with the shoji doors wide open and three fans running. Hell, it seemed like the heat was even starting to invade his dreams.

Speaking of which, what a strange dream.

 _'Ugh, of all the people China was the one who had to come barging into my brain and throwing off all its brain waves like that...'_ He couldn't for the life of him remember anything other than cardboard and white (trust him he'd rather keep it that way), but even the thought of China invading any space of his was enough to dampen his already foul mood.

"Summer's too hot, Winter's too cold, Autumn's too dreary, and Spring's too happy. Geez, there's no pleasing Mother Nature," Sougo deadpanned as he reached toward the newly published copy of 'Sadist Haven', a fairly new magazine that had emptied the shelves not even a month after its release.

"Hm, maybe I should buy the glow-in-the-dark nipple clamps? I only have one pair, after all..."

"I prefer the paddle. Nipples are overrated these days."

"Really? I don't thi- _Geh._ "

Lo and behold, in all of her vermilion-haired, Chinese-dressed glory, Kagura crouched without a care in the world behind Sougo. A small nod was addressed on her part before she took the magazine out of his hands and started perusing through it. As if she owned the thing.

"If you're talking glow-in-the-dark, the choker would be good... What do you think, Sadaharu?"

The giant monster of a dog popped out of a tile in the tatami floor with an ardent bark. "Choker it is," Kagura decided. All the while Sougo remained speechless, the litany of complaints and insults he had in store dying on his tongue the moment the dastardly brat turned her head in his direction.

"Sadist? You gonna order them or what?"

Ugh.

"CHINA, GET THE HELL OUT."

"I'm a grown woman now. I can do whatever I want." To prove her point Kagura plopped onto the expanse of Sadaharu's back- of which, by the way, was taking up nearly half the room. The spike in temperature was definitely unwelcome, though at this point Sougo had neither the strength or the patience to rid him of it.

"I'm a grown man. I can sue you for trespassing."

"The Gorilla invited us, though. So technically, you're the one being inhospitable here."

"Do you even know what inhospitable means?" He retorted, irritation lining his features. Sometimes it frustrated him to no end; how the China girl (she was still a cheeky little brat in his eyes) was able to rile him, _the_ Okita Sougo and considered the most apathetic killing machine the Shinsengumi has ever housed, up without fail was _always_ way beyond him.

(The officer silently admitted to having pondered upon this thought for minutes at a time before, only for no answer to be found, a lingering picture of said Yato girl to invade his mind, and an ongoing migraine he should have seen coming.)

"As a matter of fact, I learned it just yesterday," she cheekily grinned. "Anyways, it was our day off so we went for parfaits and saw Anego. After she beat the shit out of the stalking Gorilla he invited us here. I heard there was air conditioning."

"Kondou-san only turns on the AC for guests," he informed, just before yanking his precious magazine away. He slipped out of his sweaty vest, received a mock wolf whistle from Kagura, and threw said sweaty vest at her face. She chucked her hair clip at him.

"What the hell do you want, China? Go bother Danna or Glasses or something."

"Gin-chan's napping, and Shinpachi's guarding Anego from Gori. Hey, do you have any sukonbu?"

"Sorry, I don't carry trash with me."

A fist met the space where Sougo's head had been moments prior, exasperation written on his features and outrage on his counterpart. He willed every fiber of pure, sadistic schadenfreude to attempt a glare at her, but the seldom seen adult in him was currently busy calculating the cost of repairing his damaged wall.

"Talk shit about sukonbu one more time and the fans are next," she threatened."

"Now, now, China. It's too hot for this, and we both know destroying our only solution to the heat is quite idiotic, don't you think?"

"That's what you get for insulting sukonbu." Kagura harrumphed and turned her head away from Sougo. Without realizing it he found his eyes tracing the outline of her button nose, then her lips, then chin, down to her neck- the small beads of sweat dripping down the expanse of porcelain-like skin certainly did _not_ have his stare lingering, not at all-, where his gaze finally rested on the curve of her chest.

"I can get you arrested for ogling, pervert." Not once had Kagura looked at Sougo.

"You're mistaken. They're lopsided, of course I was going to look."

He had to admit he kind of deserved the kick to his gut.

"THAT'S TEXTUAL EMBARRASSMENT, LOW-LIFE BASTARD!"

"Gyuh... that's not even close, China... It's sexual harassment," Sougo spoke in between intermittent wheezes. He clawed at the ground for a tad bit longer. When Kagura refused to budge he sneaked a cursory glance toward her face. Unfortunately, his attempt to elicit any response of sympathy failed quite miserably, as she seemed blasé (and still somewhat offended) toward his pain.

"I'm telling Gin-chan on you."

"Go ahead. But it's not like I haven't seen your breasts before. Or ass. Or va-"

She had her hand on his throat and a foot on his crouch faster than he could blink.

"You should really stop going to mixed baths, China. I can barely handle seeing your face, what makes you think any one would want to see the rest of you?"

If Hijikata was with him at the moment, he'd be shaking his head and counting on his fingers all the times Sougo had just blatantly screwed up. Though he had to admit, the big umbrella she was pointing at him was an obvious indicator even without his superior's pain-in-the-ass presence.

 _'Option A, brace myself for the pain. Option B,_ _get her before she gets me. Option C...'_

"I'll buy you sukonbu ice cream."

Sougo immediately regretted the decision when he found himself face to face with a sparkly Kagura, cheeks sandwiched between her palms. The girl was absolutely beaming.

"You will, yes? Right now?"

"...Well-"

"GIN-CHAN! SHINPACHI! I'LL BE OUT! What are you doing, Sadist?! We're wasting precious daylight here!"

"...Says the girl who's already halfway out the door..." Sougo grumbled. Indeed, the officer was already being dragged out into the blinding sun by an all too ecstatic Kagura, her umbrella the only thing protecting her from the stifling heat waves and general summer ickiness.

Yes, protecting _her._ Because any attempts to get under the promising shade was refuted by a kick to the leg and a fear of catching "Sadist Cooties."

"I won't buy you any ice cream if you don't let me under your umbrella, Monster Girl," he threatened. She replied with a grin and held up her free hand, his precious wallet dangling from her fingers.

"Who said you were buying me ice cream? I'm just using your money, so sit back down and bark for me until I'm done with it, okay?"

"And you call _me_ the sadist..."

Kagura frowned. "Weeeaaaak," she drawled, making sure to enunciate the "uh" sound at the end. "Your insults are getting weaker. Did the heat get to your brain too?" It was sarcasm after sarcasm for this girl, it seemed.

"On the contrary, China, your tongue is getting sharper. Danna's shaping you into a fine sadist. Though I'm still the best, of course." Was it just him or was he seeing three China's and a naked Kondou clearly doing the Macarena in front of him?

"Keep dreaming, Sadist. Though I can't say they'll come true."

"..."

"Sadist?" When Kagura looked back, the sight of a heavily perspiring, somewhat lethargic Sougo met her eyes. Half of her observed him curiously while the other half had this arbitrary urge to approach him. She quickly and quite metaphorically shoved that other half into the recesses of her mind, never to be seen again.

"Sadist? Did my sizzling words really sizzle you to death? You look like you're about to drop dead any second now," she noted. Sougo shot her a withering glance before immediately straightening himself, bout of vertigo be damned. Which she ignored, of course.

"Sadists aren't used to the heat..." he mumbled. Bar the constant excuse he had for lazing around all day (not like he didn't already), the summer heat was in fact one of the most hated aspects he had to deal with during the season of beach outings, watermelon eating, and the occasional bikini slip.

"Quit bitching. What do you think I have to deal with? Heat is like a cockblocker for us Yatos."

"Do you even know what a cockblocker is?"

"..."

"..."

"... Oh look, we're here."

"You can't just distract yourself like that. It doesn't work that way China."

"Shut up and let me use your money." Kagura stuffed Sougo's empty wallet into his mouth, a wad of cash already in her hand as she approached the friendly, old man at the corner of the street. On her way she passed him her umbrella in lieu of ducking underneath the shade of the vendor's- which he silently took with belying nonchalance.

After some obvious haggling on Kagura's part and the old man's enthusiasm to comply (old people were the shit, even he had to admit that), the resident China of the Yorozuya came bouncing back all smiles and energy holding three cones of that horrifying green substance that was sukonbu flavored ice cream.

"Sadist, you want some? I got the last one for free," she blithely offered, the procured cone somehow able to balance in the crook of her arm as she transitioned from one sukonbu ice cream to the other.

"Um. No. You and your sukonbu can die. In fact, when you do just go to hell already because I don't want to see your ugly ass in heaven with me," Sougo retorted, a bit irritated at the less than favorable turn of events for him and his wallet. Kagura blinked, shrugged, and tossed the extra cone into her mouth. Then burped in his face.

"Suits me. I still have all this money anyways." As if to flaunt she fanned herself with the wad, though her eyes showed nothing but pure, and thus utterly horrifying, innocence. He glared and sighed (Sougo seemed to be doing that a lot that particular day), before a mildly devious thought flooded his mind.

"Go ahead, take the money, China." He swirled the umbrella still in his hands. Kagura's eyes immediately flocked to her precious parasol. "But I get to keep your umbrella. It's pretty damn sunny today, don't get heat stroke like last time. Bye now." Sougo turned around and walked away from the vendor, where his counterpart regarded him with disbelief, "Damn-it-I-should-have-known," and anger simultaneously.

"YOU DAMN SADIST GIVE ME MY UMBRELLA BACK."

"Toooooodles."

"Sadist-"

"Have fun burning to death, China."

Unfortunately, Sougo had taken a measly five steps and had barely contemplated whistling for added measure when he heard a quite frightening creak, followed by the ground trembling in a certain Yato monster's wake. _'Should I look...?'_

Look he did, and lo and behold, Kagura stood in all of her glory with the ice cream vendor held precariously above her head. The old man sat perched atop his cute little stool as he whistled a tune to match his attempts to balance on the stand.

Well, fuck.

"Ch-China, let's think about this. Don't be hasty n-"

"ORRRRYAAAAAH!"

One moment Sougo was looking up at the looming shadow of the ice cream vendor and the next he had the owner in his arms and was stifling his laughter at Kagura's foot stuck out from beneath the lopsided stand. The dysfunctional idiot had somehow managed to slip on the sukonbu ice cream she had dropped mid-rampage, and was currently sprawled face down on the pavement.

"P-Pft, eh, China? You're looking a little _down_ there. Haha. Get it?"

"I. Get. It." The Yato mumbled almost incoherently, as incoherently as getting her face smashed into the ground by an ice cream cart. "Tch. Shaddap."

"Oh?" Sougo teased. "Don't tell me- you're embarrassed? Is that why you haven't broken the thing to bits and charged at me yet? Done in by your own sukonbu, I see."

"Oi, just you wait, Sadist. Sukonbu will be out to get you someday. I won't help you no matter how much you beg and grovel. In fact, just burn in sukonbu hell right now," she retaliated. In less than a second the cart was off and positioned exactly where it was on the sidewalk, the old man with his cute little stool and all. Kagura sat with her legs open and back hunched on the scorching ground. She seemed nonplussed about the whole situation, though the way she averted her eyes clearly failed to belie her true intentions.

"You're embarrassed, aren't you?"

"I'll kill you, bastard."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Sougo brushed off. The ridiculous, utterly insane notion to offer his hand to his evil arch-nemesis rival thing passed through his mind for a brief second, a second he found to be seriously questioning of his sanity.

"Uh, Sadist?"

The sandy-haired officer looked down at the mention of his name. Then realized he had spaced out and subconsciously referred to the insult Kagura always called him by as his name. And then kinda found it cute how she nonchalantly sat before him, bemusement written on her innocent features without another care in the world.

If Sougo had his bazooka on him, he would have already blown himself up.

 _'You chauvinistic, low-life_ pig _,'_ he mentally cursed, though the self-directed insult did nothing to lessen the (as much as he hated to admit) very much true fact that China was indeed kinda-somewhat-sorta-obviously being quite adorable.

For a respected officer of the Shinsengumi to be willingly hanging out with a pubescent girl who's tongue was on par with her deadly Yato genes on his day off, in the summer heat, whilst his hard-earned (not really) cash steadily dwindled before his very eyes...

He was really sex-deprived, wasn't he?

"Of course you are, Sadist. Who would wanna share their bodily fluids with you? Or have you possibly fallen for my charms and just realized how out of your league I am? Don't worry, your standards are low. Someone's bound to fall for your traps eventually."

"You are way too vicious today, China." Sougo fanned himself with the cravat he had thankfully taken off, ever bemoaning the atrocious weather. Sadists just didn't take kindly to the heat.

Kagura made that infuriating expression of hers as she dismissed his retort- the one where her eyebrows relaxed and her lids drooped almost as much as Danna's as she practically oozed apathy.

"I'm always vicious," she shrugged, before walking towards the nearest restaurant. Luckily, the cafe in mind was located only a couple blocks around the corner. Unluckily, she was a Yato and therefore exploding, burning, and or shriveling up into a tiny, flaky pile of Kagura all because of the sun was, in Sougo's opinion, still a valid possibility.

"Geez, China," he huffed as he lifted the umbrella over both of their heads. "Weren't Yato supposed to be weak to the sun? Don't go revealing your clan's secrets to people, now," he chastised. "And what if you actually do collapse like last time? As fun as the funeral was, I'd be held responsible for your lousy mistake. Try thinking of poor, sorry me here."

"I should be the poor, sorry one here," Kagura grunted. Her cerulean eyes narrowed as she surreptitiously eyed the space between Sougo and her. "I'm stuck with a sweaty police officer that should be arrested for harassing such a sweet, innocent maiden," she 'hmphed.' Her small, button nose crinkled in disgust.

"Tch. And I'm stuck with a disillusioned, gluttonous monster that believes she has the gall to entertain this respected warrior of justice in all of his glory and grace," Sougo blanched. With a flick of his wrist the cravat currently in his free hand fluttered in front of Kagura's face mockingly. She immediately snatched a hold of said wrist and blew her nose into his signature neckerchief. Sougo grimaced.

"Well, I'd like this warrior of justice to go Justaway his ass and get away from me." Kagura picked her nose and would have wiped the snot on her rival if not for his insanely fast reflexes and most likely some internal "China-Cooties" radar planted inside him.

" _You_ move, shitty excuse of a girl. I'm being a gentleman here and you're extorting my chivalry." Sougo clicked his tongue. A hand reached up to scratch his head, the instinctive reaction to such encounters with the ever-brazen Yato girl.

Despite their insults, neither made any effort to move, and the two quickly fell into a comfortable silence. Sougo may or may not have readjusted their shared umbrella, and may or may not have made sure to encompass both of them underneath the cooler patch of shade.

"..."

"..."

"FUCKING GIVE ME MY UMBRELLA BACK!"

"QUIT BITCHING AND LET ME USE IT FOR ONCE. DAMN!"

But then again, they didn't really have a choice.

* * *

"I had a really strange dream last night," Kagura murmured from her position on the tatami. The moment they had set foot in the tiny room she had flicked on all three fans and promptly flopped onto the cool floor. A couple burps escaped her lips and she rubbed her engorged belly, not once heeding the look of utter repulsion and dismay she received from Sougo.

"You're not even supposed to be in here. The Mayo-bastard will haggle me about his stupid seppuku if he sees you, China."

"You don't even like Mayora." Kagura burped from her spot on the tatami, close enough to Sougo to warrant a grimace from him but far enough to dodge any black marker possibly coming her way. "Hey, is it weird to want to marry sukonbu?"

He scoffed, "You're the sukonbu-crazed one here, not me. But yes, that's disgusting, China."

Kagura was up on her toes and bristling with fury, the reaction eliciting a frown from Sougo. Deja vu, much. "Don't make fun of my sukonbu!"

"You're the one who asked..."

"YOU'RE THE ONE WHO THOUGHT YOURSELF IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO ANSWER." Before he could question what the hell had happened he was already toppling over from the sheer force of Kagura's tackle. Squashing the urge to insult her (he _really_ wasn't looking forward to a broken rib) alongside the revelation that her smaller body was actually quite warm (thank goodness the heat had dwindled by then) Sougo could only brace himself for the blows to come, most certainly aimed for his face.

"YOU CONNIVING, STUPID SA-"

"Kagura. Exactly _what_ is going on here?"

Kagura froze. Sougo froze. Glasses' Shinpachi cracked from somewhere on the other side of the Shinsengumi headquarters.

"E-Eh, S-Sukonbu..." the Yato suddenly spoke up, a seldom expression of demure humility on her features. "I-I can explain-"

"Really? Really?! Explain why you're in the arms of another man while I had to wrestle the utterly horrific monster that was your stomach acid just to win you over again?! IS THAT WHAT OUR MARRIAGE MEANT TO YOU?! WAS I JUST A SNACK TO SATISFY YOUR HUNGER BEFORE YOU MOVED ON TO THE NEXT ONE?!"

Sukonbu, now just a censored pile of green mosaic, stomped toward the duo on the floor before promptly yanking Sougo up by his arm.

"Fine. Be that way. If I can't have you, I'll make sure he can't either."

Sukonbu embraced the confused police officer and swiftly planted a kiss (or whatever it was called when a disfigured piece of pickled seaweed forced itself upon one's lips) on his poor, unsuspecting mouth.

"We must make haste, Sou-chan. The wedding is about to start."

"Um... UM. THAT'S NOT HOW IT-"

"Nonsense! Off we go!" Sukonbu hoisted Sougo over its shoulders, bid a condescending farewell to an awestruck Kagura, and giddied off into the picturesque sunset. The sound of birds chirping, trumpet voluntary, and Sougo's bloodcurdling scream could be heard ringing in the distance.

And thus, everyone lived happily ever after.

* * *

I am terribly sorry...


End file.
